It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
