Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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