RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
