you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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