well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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