I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
