I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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