He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
