I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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