i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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