Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
