dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I need to calm my uterus...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
