I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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