i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
