I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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