Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
