Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
