it was like his penis was on wheels.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
