Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
love makes seman taste better
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
