A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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