You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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