Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
