dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
