I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
