the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
worst night to have a conscience
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
