Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
