The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
