never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
