I can feel you judging me through the phone.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
