I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
