my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
