Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
