Moan for me like Helen Keller
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
