she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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