90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
