I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
