Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
