I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
