so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
