Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Someone shattered a urinal.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
