Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
