Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Randomize
