Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
