i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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