I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize