Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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