I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Actions speak louder than pants.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
