It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
