he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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