i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
