I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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