just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You ate ashes out of my bong
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
