Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
