I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
