so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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