I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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