Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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